by Cheryl Harnett-Brumbis
Friends, Romans, Freshmen! Lend your young ears to Mrs. Cheryl Harnett-Brumbis. I can barely 
remember my high school days, let a lone my freshman year. But that first day of high school does stick out to me. It was 1989 and I had just moved from the rural pastures of Vermont to the laid-back epicenter of style, Honolulu, Hawaii. I was decked out in a most tragic ensemble: a bedazzled kitten sweater, a neon orange fanny pack, knee socks, flip-flops, and a most unflattering pair of zebra print leggings. Fourteen year old Cheryl was no match for the surfer-cool permed coifs of her peers, but as soon as I found my niche as a self-righteous genius, everyone was at my feet. Before I knew it, I had a multiethnic male model on my shoulder and a full ride to Harvard (Early Decision too!). Huns, high school may begin tragically, but if you tackle the social pyramid full force, you’ll be pharaoh in no time. Now lift those huge bricks!
Dear Cheryl,
I just moved here from Santa Barbara. How do I make friends without having to try too hard?
-Friendless femme
Dear Friendless femme,
Making life-long BFFs is no easy task, especially during a period of great change. But I recommend not trying at all. If you are a person worthy of human contact, others will flock to you. They will seek out your dynamic personality, love of film noir, and dashing good looks. If you are lacking in the culture department, you will probably end up alone. And that’s probably for the best.
Dear Cheryl,
In every teen show I’ve watched, the characters always have these grand romances. How do I find my own high school sweetheart?
-Bitter Sweet
Dear Bitter Sweet,
Love can’t be predicted or rushed. I can tell you from experience that a high school is no place to find a future hubby or wife (I know because I’ve tried quite recently). Most people are too naive, insolent, under-aged, or plain ugly for your time.
Dear Cheryl,
How do I become an ABG if I am a male?
-ABG Aspiration
Dear ABG Aspirations,
I’m all for finding yourself in high school, regardless of gender constraints. Go out and find the culture that is totally rad for you! Are the kids still saying “rad”? Anyway, buy up some ginger hair extensions, low-cut tanks, false eyelashes, and a life-long supply of hair spray.
Dear Cheryl,
How do I balance clubs, sports, and my classes now that I’m in high school?
-Juggling Act
Dear Juggling Act,
As we near adulthood, the responsibilities pile up. If you can’t take the heat, get out of the kitchen. Don’t do the things you are probably bound to fail at. Everyone says that youth today do way too much. Well, I say that’s a fallacy! When I was in high school, I was the ASB president, NHS president, Class President, and US President! Don’t tell Miss Cheryl Harnett that you can’t handle a measly 11-hour AP Physics project. I did that project in my sleep when I was 15 whilst dealing with Bush Sr. hogging all my limelight! Simply put, you just have to do it.
Dear Cheryl,
In a previous article you told me that Bill Murray had the authority to steal my dog. Why are you such a heartless monster?
-Mad About Murray
Dear Mad About Murray,
Bill Murray told me that he is taking wonderful care of Rafalca.
